


how to cope without coping

by Plastic_man1



Series: Nervous habits [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Hinata doesn’t really think it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-08 05:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20830073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plastic_man1/pseuds/Plastic_man1
Summary: "What is that?"Hinata doesn’t fully pay attention to what Kageyama is referring to. Catching his gaze, he finds him looking intently at his left forearm, where a faint line crosses horizontally just above the wrist.





	how to cope without coping

**Author's Note:**

> Mentions of self-injury. Not too graphic.

It never crosses Hinatas mind that what he’s doing is remotely wrong. Though it seems like  everyone else does.

"What is that?"

Hinata doesn’t fully pay attention to what Kageyama is referring to. Catching his gaze, he finds him looking intently at his left forearm, where a faint line crosses horizontally just above the wrist.

"It’s a scar, baka," says Hinata, a teethy smile plastered across his face. Kageyama scowls.

"I can  see, dumbass," Kageyama pouts, which Hinata finds satisfying. After a moment, he recovers and directs his attention toward Hinatas arm again. "But how did you get it?"

Hinata looks at the scar himself. It’s not massive or visible at all, he’s surprised anyone would notice it, let alone Kageyama.

"I was really angry one day after a match, like  _bwah_—  And I guess I got a bit carried away maybe?" he grins at Kageyama, waiting for a sly comment or something. Kageyama's eyebrows are scrunched up in confusion. Before any of the boys can say more, their coach calls for them.

"Oh—" a quiet noise comes from behind Hinata. They just finished practise for the day, and he’s the only one left in the wardrobe, or so he thinks.

Hinata turns around to find Yamaguchi holding a hand to his mouth, gaze directed at Hinatas arm. "Did someone do that to you?" he asks cautiously. 

Hinata follows his gaze, as it lands on his own arm, he counts the bruises. There is about six of them, or maybe six and a half? They’re not very big, but they come in a variety of colours. Some are still a bit dark, but others are starting to go green. Hinata almost forgets Yamaguchi standing infront of him. 

"No—No! Of course not," he dismissively shakes a hand at Yamaguchi. "I actually woke up from a bad dream, and thought I was still dreaming," he throws on a shirt and grins. "Do you not pinch yourself when you dream?" Hinata asks and the question hangs in the air for a moment. 

"Not so badly it bruises," Yamaguchi eventually answers. Hinata doesn’t miss the troubled look on his teammates face.

Tanaka is behind Hinata while they practise serves. At first, Hinata doesn’t understand why Tanaka is being so quiet, but after his third failed serve he realizes that Tanaka is hesitating talking to him, for whatever reason.

"Something on your mind,  Tanaka-senpai ?" Hinata smirks. Tanaka seems to be shaken out of his own thoughts, blushing a bit at the name. His eyes glide up to Hinatas.He smiles but looks a tad uncertain, which is a rare trait for him. 

"Did this happen recently?" Tanaka picks up Hinata's hand and turns it over for inspection. "You don’t need to serve if it hurts,"

A burnmark covers the inside of Hinata's hand. Although it looks bad to others, it happened days ago. It doesn’t even hurt.

"It has already started to heal, see!" Hinata clenches his hand in a fist and beams at Tanaka.

Tanaka only winces. "What happened?" he asks.

"I held my hand on the stove for a  _bit too_ long," the blunt answer throws Tanaka off, and Hinata can see how his face changes expression from confused to  very confused. 

"Why would you even  _do_ that?" The accusation makes Hinata feel as though he should have said something else. Tanaka seems disturbed at the thought.

The shorter boy settles with a shrug.

"You have little scars," Tsukishima points out one day at school. They’re having lunch together, without Kageyama and Yamaguchi this time. It’s a bit awkward for Hinata, but he’s realized that Tsukishima can be a lot nicer when there is only the two of them. "On your hand," Tsukishima continues.

Hinata pulls up the sleeve of his jacket and gives the tall boy a closer look. Tsukishima doesn’t budge or turn away. He stares at the boys wrist, which also reveals some tiny scars. He’s never noticed them before.

"You think it’s cool?" Hinata grins broadly. 

Tsukishima makes no attempt to be interested whatsoever. "Depends on how you got them," he answers. 

"Why should that make any difference?" Hinata asks, clear confusion in his voice.

"What is a character without a backstory?" Tsukishima questions back. 

Hinata looks at him for a moment before pointing out a relatively small scar on the back of his hand. "I got this one a couple of months back after we lost the match against Aobajohsai," then he points to another. "And this one was after the match against Nekoma," another. "And this was after Shira—"

"_How_ di d you get them?" Tsukishima asks.

"What do you mean?"

"You’re telling me when you got them, not how,"

"I got them myself," says Hinata directly. 

"—What?" Tsukishima is confused. "What do you mean?" 

"I  did them myself?" Hinata tries again.

It dawns on Tsukishima that Hinata gave them to himself. He hurt himself. For a couple of matches. Or— Not a couple. Many of them it seems. Or maybe he had other reasons as well?

And the worst part is, Hinata doesn’t think it’s a bad thing.  _Of course_ he doesn’t.

"Is that not cool enough?" 

"No, and you should stop,"

"Stop what?"

Tsukishima grabs Hinata's other arm and pulls up his sleeve. After turning it around and scanning it, he walks away, leaving Hinata to himself.

Hinata feels watched the entire afternoon while practising. His captains eyes almost never leave him. It doesn’t take Hinata long before he realizes that even Suga and coach is following him with their eyes as well. Hinata immediately thinks he’s in trouble for something. Maybe he shouldn’t stay inside the hall after twelve, or maybe he forgot to turn off the lights, or Kageyama told them he stole his milk—

The ball hits Hinata right in the face and he falls backwards, with a loud thud to the floor.

"Oi, Shouyou!" Nishinoya extends an arm and pulls Hinata to his feet. But before Hinata can say thank you, the dark haired boy tugs at his shirt and lifts it.

"That happened  _now_?" He looks at Hinata with mild confusion.

A bunch of lines criss-crosses over his abdomen. One is bleeding, but only a tiny bit. Probably after the fall.

"No, that was yesterday," he says pulling his shirt down. Nishinoya lets him. "I was really anxious," he continues.

"You cut yourself?" he asks bluntly.

"It sounds bad when you say it like that,"

"Isn’t it kind of bad?"

Hinata shrugs. He’s never thought of it as a bad thing. But all his teammates troubled looks make him think otherwise. 

"It’s just a couple of scars," Hinata continues the training, ignoring the looks from the libero.

"Is everything okay at home?" The voice startles Hinata, but when he turns around it’s only captain. Daichi's eyes travel to Hinata's arm.

"Yes, of course!" 

"Is everything okay with you?" 

"Yes— Why wouldn’t it be?" Hinata sincerely asks.

Daichi goes quiet. He seems to have a hard time finding the right words. For a moment they only stare blankly at each other. Daichi is the first to leave, and Hinata is left alone once again.

They’re all gathered in the hall when Asahi points out a new, dark bruise on his left thigh. Asahi asks if Hinata went out and fell on his bike again. It takes a moment for Hinata to explain that he was frustrated when he made it. Hinata shows him the tiny scars on his hands and wrists and explains when he got them as well. Asahi's expression falters.

"Do you— Are you okay?" he asks, his eyes watching Hinata's hands. Hinata suddenly feels uncertain, so he hides his hands behind his back. 

"I, yes— Why does everyone keep asking that?" the younger one mumbles.

Asahi stands awkwardly in front of the shorter boy. "I just think— No one really knows how to approach the situation," Hinata is lost at that. Where is this coming from? 

"What situation?"

"Are you that thick?" Tsukishima interrupts their conversation. Hinata doesn’t know if he’s refering to Asahi or himself. When he turns his face around, he can clearly see that Tsukishima is annoyed with him. Of course he is annoyed with Hinata. When is he not? 

"You’re one to speak,  _Stingyshima_!" With that, the tall boy grabs Hinata's arm and points at the faint lines in his skin.

"Do you really think this is  normal?" The entire team quiets and turns their attention toward the two first years.

"Tsukki—" Yamaguchi chokes out.

"No, he needs to hear this!" Tsukishima pushes the glasses further up his nose and breathes out. "Self-injury is dumb, and either you’re too dense to understand that, or you’re in denial. So which is it?" When Hinata only stares, Tsukishima lets go of his arm.

"I don’t know what _self-injury_ means," Hinatas voice has fallen to a quiet.

"Of course you don’t—" 

"You did that yourself?" Suga cuts Tsukishima off, directing his attention toward Hinata's wrist.

"You make it sound bad!" Hinata finds his voice again.

"It is bad, dumbass," Kageyama takes their side as well, and Hinata pouts.

"It’s only if I’m anxious, or frustrated or ang—"

"You can’t ever do that again," it’s Ukai's turn to speak up, and he is angry. That much Hinata can see. "It’s a serious issue, and you can _not do that _again, "

"It’s not often—"

"It does not matter how often. It matters that you stop hurting yourself," Suga looks at the younger boy, begging him to understand.

Hinata can’t say anything against that. He technically does. He does hurt himself. Even if he feels better afterwards, it’s true. He hurts himself on purpose. It never crossed his mind before, but maybe it’s not such a good thing afterall. 


End file.
